Where am I headed???

I've been thinking, where am I headed??

Karma is going to get me and bite me twice as hard. It's not going to be gentle. I've been down this same road, and i've seen what happens. And its not something I want to see again! 

I've always wonder what if that was me, the other one!?

How would I feel? How would I react? I know i was in the wrong!
But really the night of my prom!? Did I deserve that.. but i suppose that was the karma!

It was just starting, and now it's someone else!
And its going to get worse!

I can't help my feelings.....can i?

I don't want to stop talking to him, but maybe it will be best!

Before the feelings get stronger, I talked to my best friend about it, and she is afraid of things going well, and then one day he has a bad day and takes it out on me, and calls this off ONCE again! 

He does it all the time, but im so stupid, i fall for him and just start all over again! 

I never thought I would get feelings like this! 

He will never understand tho, he is only after one thing, and no matter what he is going to want more! 

I know what i've put myself in and i know its going to be a HUGE hole to get out of, but I'm strong! ....aren't I!

I never thought I would like someone so much, but he's already started stepping on my heart. I hope that one day he will realize and things will change, but the question is..when will he realize, how long is it going to take him!?

Maybe he can't see my true feelings, and maybe he thinks this is just a fling...thats been going on for a long time now!

Maybe he is just looking for someone to help he get over her!?

Am i just a rebound? Will he ever give me the chance? 

I look at him now and wonder why am i still sitting here...

What am i thinking!? I know what im thinking! I care about him and would do anything to make him happy! But he is pushing me away, and then pulls me back in, and then pushes me away AGAIN! It's a viscous cycle!

I am never going to move on if i don't walk away now!
But it's so hard to walk away from something you care about! But know its not going to be anything more!

Mistreated, Misplaced, Misunderstood

Everyone goes through times where they feel down. Some more then others. I am one of tho's others. Everyday is a new day, but usually the same as the day before! 
Nothing ever changes, and never will. 
I try reaching for help, but just can't find the strength too. I've never been a person to ask for help. Even when it's offered I always turn it away, cause I don't want people to think differently of me!
I'm a strong person, and have always been hard headed. I always stand my ground, but sometimes that just gets cracked, and i fall. 
For years i've wondered what my life would be like if everything was perfect, but then think, the more i experience and go through now, the stronger the person I am going to be later in life!
I know positive thoughts will get a person through the day, but sometimes its hard to think positive when you've experiences so many rough patches!
I grew up going through things that no child should experience and a lot of tho's things have torn me apart inside, and im still trying to put the pieces back to normal.
I wonder everyday...will i ever see happiness, love, peace? 
I don't see anything coming to me from tho's but i can hope right!?
Everyone goes through bad times, and i understand that...and some people have it worse then me, but don't i still deserve to have some kind of happy days in my life?
I go to bed wondering what is tomorrow going to be like, just having that on my mind, i can't sleep and im awake to the following day! 
I've spent most of my life crying myself to sleep, wishing i was dead, and not around! 
But keep being told that there is a reason I am here and one day that reason is going to shine! 
But the real question is, WHEN WILL THAT DAY BE!?
Cause I am tired of laying here wondering!
Everyone deserved to be happy! I look at all my friends, and they all seem like life is the best thing ever! Then i look at myself and say, why me!
Why do i have to deal with this!
Nothing good comes out of my life!
I don't know if this is a normal feeling or it's just something that will slowly pass by!
I'm learning to live with it, and i shouldn't! 
But sometimes that is just something people have to do, to get through the next day!

Dakota James Micheal Webb

I was only 9 years old, on Tuesday September 6th 2002 it was 5 in the morning when I heard the phone ring. I didn't know who the heck was calling that early and why!
I heard my mom get up and answer the phone, she was half asleep, and after she said hello, i remember her saying! "Get to the hospital, we will be there as soon as possible!". 
My sister called and told my mom she thought she was in labour... 
We quickly got ready and headed to the PTBO Hospital, where my sister was. I was so excited, my nephew was on his way! 
We got to the hospital and as we were going up the elevator we heard my sister screaming in pain! 
My mom ran into the delivery room and stayed with my sister, then shortly after 6:00am my mom came out and said that my nephew was born!  Dakota James Micheal Webb
He was taken into the ICU, he was having troubles breathing on his own and had a bad case of jaundice. After my sister was all cleaned up we all went over to the ICU to meet my nephew!
I was such a proud aunt at the time! I could believe that I was there when he was born, and I was one of the very first people to meet him.
Within a couple days he was home with us! Things were so exciting! He was growing up in my house, so everyday after school I would rush home just to help out with him, and do anything to be with him. 
My sister decided in December she was ready to move out with her boyfriend and start there family. I remember Christmas morning waking up to my sister and my nephew sitting down stairs around the Christmas tree waiting for me to wake up and surprise me!
It was the best gift ever! 
Shortly after that it was February 11th 2003. My sister never left my nephew alone with ANYONE! 
She was afraid of something happening even just the littlest thing! But she felt that it was safe, because he was going to stay home with his dad, and he was 5 months old... What could go wrong if you only go out for a couple hours. 

Well my sister went out with a couple friends, they went out for dinner and an auction. My sister got a phone call to front desk saying there was a call for her. When she got to the desk, she was greeted with 2 police officers who asked to speak to her outside. 
My sister wasn't sure what was going on, when she got outside, the cops called for back up, my sister looked the cops in the eyes and said " what is going on" the officer responded with "we need to take you down to the station and ask you a couple questions" my sister was in shock... she had NO idea what was going on. She then told the officer she wasn't going anywhere with out an explanation. The female cop looked at her and said "There is no other way to put this, but we got a call and your son passed away" My sister dropped, she didn't know what to think. The cops put her into the back of the cruiser and took her down to the station. Once she got there my dad was there, and had no idea what was going on. The cops informed my dad, and told him that they needed to ask Tara(my sister) a couple questions. The police asked my father, where my mom was, and that my sister wanted her there. So the cops and my dad went to my Grandmothers house, where my mom was staying, to inform her on everything. My mom wasn't sure on how she was suppose to react, she at first thought that he was just sick and in Sick Kids hospital.
That night I was staying at my grandmothers house in Port Hope, while my dad was working and my mom was at her mom's place.
I remember this day so clearly....
The phone rang around 6 as we were all getting up. My grandmother went to answer it, she was about to head down stairs and she fell and started crying. Not knowing what was going on, I just kept asking if everything was alright. That morning at breakfast was the most awkward breakfast ever! 
No one talked... and when someone would, it would just stay silent. 
My grandmother couldn't tell us what was going on, my dad wanted to be the one who  told us...
Later that day at school, my brother and I were called down to the office, where my dad and a children's aid worker was standing there. They took my brother and I into the library and sat us down and told us what was going on. 
My dad told us to go back to class and grab our stuff, we wouldn't be going back to school for a couple weeks. 
As i was walking down the hall i was crying so hard, I dropped to the floor and started bawling. 
I remember going home, and seeing my sister sit in the living room, and cry. She didn't want to see anyone, so i walked up to her, and gave her a hug! Told her i loved her!
My sister grabbed me and told me she loved me!
As the day went on things were just getting harder and harder. 
The day of the funeral was the hardest day of my life. I got to go up and say my goodbyes and tell him how much i loved him and would do anything to take his place and put my favourite stuffed animal in his casket with him, so he would remember me forever!
He didn't deserve to go! 
I remember the service, and everyone speaking and talking about how much they loved him, and all the cute things he did, and how he was grandpa's bobble head, and grandma's alien. And how he would always be in our hearts and would always be missed by everyone!
After people were done talking and the pallbearers took my nephew to the hearse, i remember everyone crying and my sister dropping to the ground! 
It was the worst thing to ever experience. 

My nephew didn't deserve to be taken from us. My family didn't deserve to have to go through that. 

Dakota would be 8 now, he would be such a proud big brother. He would be the most beautiful little boy ever! 

Dakota, i know you are looking down on us everyday, encouraging us to keep going and move foward, and not let silly things hold us back! 
But i wish you were here with us! 
Nothing will ever change the way I feel!
I miss you baby boy!!
 
R.I.P 
Dakota James Micheal Webb
September 6th 2002 - February 11th 2003 
5 months 5 days!

The Unknown

Children everywhere grow up in a single family home. I was one of tho's children. 

I grew up always wondering who my real father was. I heard stories after stories about him and most of them were negative. My mom never wanted to talk about him and her cause she believes the past is history the future is a mystery and today is a present. She told me she never wanted me to go through what she did with him, and thats all I was ever told. 

Finally 18 years later I found him, and sent him a message. 

Hoping he would respond to me, waiting anxiously I sat by my phone for 2 days. Still nothing was coming through. 

So i decided to send him another message saying 

"I can understand that this is hard for you. And i do understand that but you have to understand that I haven't seen you in 17 years. I don't even remember what you look like. I've heard nothing but negative things about you, and still am willing to give you a chance. Im not here looking for a fight, im looking for my father the man who brought me into this world and then walked away!" 

Shortly after sending that I received a message back saying 

"I am not ignoring you, i am thinking things over fully before responding. I do not want to send the wrong thing and something bad come out of this. I can only imagine what you have heard about me, and I never thought I would hear from you. I know Jim has taken my place and nothing will ever replace that relationship. You have to understand if we are in contact it's going to affect more than just you and I. You are my daughter and I would like to be involved in your life."

After reading that I cried, I wasn't sure what to say....

We started talking on a daily basis and finally met up. Things went well, and we met a few more times after that.

It's now been 6 months, and i've noticed that it doesn't seem to be going the way I was expecting and hoping for. 

I understand he is a busy person and has a life, but don't you think i should be in his life?

I send a message and say good morning, how are you, whats new, and I go weeks before I hear something back from him. 

I just wish he could understand that I am his daughter and he should put a little more effort into making things work. A relationship is a 2 way street and you both have to put effort in make things work. And it seems that I'm the only one putting effort into this. 

I want him to be in my life, but deep down inside my heart is aching, i just want to be loved and known by the man who brought me into the world! 

The Unknown will never be more then Unknown to me... 

I will never understand why he pushes me away...